Saturday, April 14, 2012

Upside down and shaken up.

I got on here today because I was going to delete my blog entirely. I'm not quite sure why. I guess I'm trying to forget, or make everyone else forget who I used to be and just see me as me now. Then I thought- no, it could be healthy to start blogging again. I certainly miss teaching. And maybe my roller-coaster life-story will help someone else who may be going through the same things.
It's been two years since I last posed anything on here. Don't have time or place to scrapbook these days, and it would probably hurt to do so anyway. That's a big change. I'm not teaching or involved in any heavy book research right now. Another change.... Divorce pretty much turns a person's whole world upside down and shakes it to it's core. I can discuss it now that it's over. It's been officially over since February 21st. The pain is gone. The guilt is gone (miraculously. I'll discuss more later).
"My happiness matters" Those were the words that changed everything for me. I was forced to say those words out loud to a counselor, the third we'd seen, and it took more emotional strength than I had to get them out. I cried harder than I'd ever cried before, and I've done some serious crying over the years.
So, that was both a beginning and an end. I've had to get real with myself about who I am and what I want and what I need as a woman in the past year or so. I beat myself to an emotional pulp over those three words. I found out my sense of duty was a powerful force in my life. I'd never realized that before then. There was a time when I didn't think I'd ever forgive myself. I just thought I'd carry crippling guilt around for the rest of my life. And worse, I didn't think God would ever forgive me. But, as always, he found a way to get his message of love and forgiveness through to me in his mysterious way. Still healing. Still learning. Finding out I really do like myself just as me.
So, maybe I can start to share a little more and stop password protecting every thought.